哈佛大學優秀錄取文書範文及老師點評分享

如今已是9月下旬，不少同學已經將文書(shu) 的第一稿寫(xie) 出，為(wei) 整個(ge) 申請季開了一個(ge) 好頭。然而還有部分同學仍然沒有任何頭緒。沒寫(xie) 出來的同學各有各的原因：

• 有的擔心自己的故事並不能吸引招生官的注意；
• 有的覺得我一定要把自己的所有特點和盤托出；
• 有的覺得自己沒有任何一個點可以寫；
• 還有的則是自己故事太多，不知道寫哪個好；
• ......

往常我們(men) 講了太多有關(guan) 文書(shu) 怎麽(me) 開頭，文書(shu) 怎麽(me) 寫(xie) ，敘事要怎樣怎樣。或許對許多人來說，這還是有些抽象了。或許隻有看到好的文書(shu) 是怎樣的，才會(hui) 有些許啟發。

現在已是申請季，如果你還未開始寫(xie) 文書(shu) ，就要抓緊啦！

為(wei) 此，我們(men) 的資深老師為(wei) 大家做點評，我們(men) 來看看，到底這篇文書(shu) 好在哪兒(er) ？也希望大家能從(cong) 這片文書(shu) 及點評中中能get到屬於(yu) 自己的靈感。如

在我們(men) 看這篇文書(shu) 之前，有一些點我很想說：申請者們(men) 一提到Personal Statement，總會(hui) 不自覺地進入某種範式——要寫(xie) 一個(ge) 關(guan) 於(yu) 自己的故事，要突出自己，或探底自己內(nei) 心深處的某段經曆、某個(ge) 想法，仿佛這樣才夠“個(ge) 人”，才夠“個(ge) 性”。而下麵這篇文書(shu) ，則反其道而行之，不寫(xie) 自己的故事，卻又讓讀者了解作者是怎樣的人。

尤其值得玩味的是，這篇跳脫範式的文書(shu) ，恰恰出自在刻板印象中最愛套範式的華人學生之手，就這一點而言，它對於(yu) 破除範式的迷思有重要的意義(yi) 。而這也是ZOOMiN一直在做的。

01My Ye-Ye always wears a red baseball cap. I think he likes the vivid color—bright and sanguine, like himself. When Ye-Ye came from China to visit us seven years ago, he brought his red cap with him and every night for six months, it sat on the stairway railing post of my house, waiting to be loyally placed back on Ye-Ye’s head the next morning. He wore the cap everywhere: around the house, where he performed magic tricks with it to make my little brother laugh; to the corner store, where he bought me popsicles before using his hat to wipe the beads of summer sweat off my neck. Today whenever I see a red hat, I think of my Ye-Ye and his baseball cap, and I smile.

*用Ye-Ye代替grandfather，並且不急於(yu) 注釋，既能讓英語母語的讀者瞬間產(chan) 生麵對異文化的好奇，又能引領他們(men) 走進作者的世界——一個(ge) 跨越三代以血緣為(wei) 紐帶的東(dong) 亞(ya) 式大家庭——他們(men) 或許無法第一時間看懂，但隨著文章的推進，這個(ge) 世界會(hui) 徐徐揭開麵紗。

*紅色棒球帽，用鮮明的色彩為(wei) Ye-Ye這個(ge) 人物定下基調，並且通過下文的複現加深其在讀者心中的印象——樂(le) 觀、熱烈而旺盛的生命力。*第一段描繪了一些場景，場景中頭戴red cap的Ye-Ye或變魔術帶來歡笑，或買(mai) 冰棍帶走酷暑——它們(men) 是記憶，是快樂(le) 源泉，讓我一見到紅帽就想到這些，一想到這些就smile——而這smile，在下文我們(men) 會(hui) 了解到，是一種傳(chuan) 承。

02Ye-Ye is the Mandarin word for “grandfather.” My Ye-Ye is a simple, ordinary person—not rich, not “successful”—but he is my greatest source of inspiration and I idolize him. Of all the people I know, Ye-Ye has encountered the most hardship and of all the people I know, Ye-Ye is the most joyful. That these two aspects can coexist in one individual is, in my mind, truly remarkable.

*作者的寫(xie) 作定力很好，直到第二段才給出Ye-Ye一詞的解釋，讓讀者在對異文化的想象中很是徜徉了一會(hui) 。事實上，經過第一段的浸潤，至此Ye-Ye在讀者心中已然與(yu) 世間億(yi) 萬(wan) 個(ge) grandfather區分開來，成了一個(ge) 特指。*用對仗的句式、以of all the people I know為(wei) 參照係，加強了語氣，渲染了情感濃度，點出爺爺的特質，引出下文。

03Ye-Ye was an orphan. Both his parents died before he was six years old, leaving him and his older brother with no home and no family. When other children gathered to read around stoves at school, Ye-Ye and his brother walked in the bitter cold along railroad tracks, looking for used coal to sell. When other children ran home to loving parents, Ye-Ye and his brother walked along the streets looking for somewhere to sleep. Eight years later, Ye-Ye walked alone—his brother was dead.

*六歲失去雙親(qin) ，十四歲失去兄長，無家可歸，無處謀生……作者用較少的字數傳(chuan) 遞了較大的信息量，讓讀者感受到了上文所謂hardship的具體(ti) 內(nei) 容。

04Ye-Ye managed to survive, and in the meanwhile taught himself to read, write, and do arithmetic. Life was a blessing, he told those around him with a smile.*短小的過渡段，卻四兩(liang) 撥千斤。作者並不耽於(yu) 描繪爺爺的求生奮鬥史，一句感悟，一笑置之，勝卻千言萬(wan) 語、人間無數。無論是這段之於(yu) 全文在結構上的意義(yi) ，還是其暗含的關(guan) 於(yu) 爺爺個(ge) 人經曆的豐(feng) 富信息量，都給讀者舉(ju) 重若輕之感。Hardship和joy在此處巧妙地取得統一，成為(wei) 文眼。

05Years later, Ye-Ye’s job sent him to the Gobi Desert, where he and his fellow workers labored for twelve hours a day. The desert wind was merciless; it would snatch their tent in the middle of the night and leave them without supply the next morning. Every year, harsh weather took the lives of some fellow workers.

*新的風暴已經出現。經過前文鋪墊，我們(men) 百分百確信爺爺會(hui) 戰而勝之。不過這一段絕不多餘(yu) ，因為(wei) 塑造一個(ge) 足夠豐(feng) 滿厚實的形象需要足夠的故事體(ti) 量。

06After eight years, Ye-Ye was transferred back to the city where his wife lay sick in bed. At the end of a twelve-hour workday, Ye-Ye took care of his sick wife and three young children. He sat with the children and told them about the wide, starry desert sky and mysterious desert lives. Life was a blessing, he told them with a smile.

*我們(men) 可以得知爺爺在嚴(yan) 酷的戈壁一待就是八年，又是輕描淡寫(xie) 的一筆帶過，想必又有多少事盡付笑談中。*我們(men) 也能得知爺爺的家族在一度隻剩爺爺一棵獨苗的情況下再次發展壯大，顯示出其頑強的生命力。*他並不說沙漠的艱苦和恐怖，取而代之的是繁星密布的天空和神秘絢爛的生命。全文中心句再次出現。這三個(ge) 孩子之中應有作者的父親(qin) 。傳(chuan) 承開始了。

07But life was not easy; there was barely enough money to keep the family from starving. Yet, my dad and his sisters loved going with Ye-Ye to the market. He would buy them little luxuries that their mother would never indulge them in: a small bag of sunflower seeds for two cents, a candy each for three cents. Luxuries as they were, Ye-Ye bought them without hesitation. Anything that could put a smile on the children’s faces and a skip in their steps was priceless.

*文似看山不喜平，如果這就開始一路順到結尾，終究差些力道，因此作者繼續描寫(xie) 生活帶給爺爺的挑戰，而此時作者的父親(qin) 已經加入了爺爺的戰隊，這一切之於(yu) 作者的意義(yi) 自然更大了。*我們(men) 不妨過度解讀一下：這兩(liang) 件物品的選擇或許別有深意，種子代表延遲滿足，糖果代表即時滿足，看似前者更重要，其實後者也同樣不可或缺，前者是目的地，後者是加油站，經曆過無數艱辛苦難的爺爺想必深知這一點；而種子也暗示了本文傳(chuan) 承的母題——何況那是向日葵的種子。

08Ye-Ye still goes to the market today. At the age of seventy-eight, he bikes several kilometers each week to buy bags of fresh fruits and vegetables, and then bikes home to share them with his neighbors. He keeps a small patch of strawberries and an apricot tree. When the fruit is ripe, he opens his gate and invites all the children in to pick and eat. He is Ye-Ye to every child in the neighborhood.

*按照影視拍攝手法，這屬於(yu) 是一個(ge) 巧妙的轉場，一下子將鏡頭和時間線拉到現在。*繼續分享，繼續贈與(yu) ，爺爺的某一部分持續地播撒，與(yu) 水果、還有上一段的種子等意象形成了一種通感，化作了一個(ge) 中式社區裏由長者維係的重要紐帶，它既如精神品質般抽象，也似草莓杏子般具體(ti) 。對於(yu) 招生官而言，或許它還能滿足一些關(guan) 於(yu) 東(dong) 方社區的想象，更添一層風味。

09I had always thought that I was sensible and self-aware. But nothing has made me stare as hard in the mirror as I did after learning about the cruel past that Ye-Ye had suffered and the cheerful attitude he had kept throughout those years. I thought back to all the times when I had gotten upset. My mom forgot to pick me up from the bus station. My computer crashed the day before an assignment was due. They seemed so trivial and childish, and I felt deeply ashamed of myself.

*終於(yu) ，作者開始聯係自身。坦白說，在筆者看來，這一段是敗筆。作者在此處嚐試用自己曾經麵對挫折的閾值之低來對照爺爺的閾值之高進而為(wei) 下一段自己變堅毅樂(le) 觀做一個(ge) 欲揚先抑式的墊步，但用力過猛，動作有些變形，讓人感覺是刻意在找自己不足的地方，結果找出來的都是些芝麻綠豆的小事，跟爺爺的經曆相比有些不成比例的“小”，盡管作者加了些話來找補，讓它們(men) 顯得盡量自洽，但敏銳的讀者依然能嗅到它散發出的隱約違和。*或許這也是作者的局限所在——跳脫了一種範式，卻落入了另一種小範式中，在寫(xie) 他人帶給自己的成長和啟示時，不自覺地就先寫(xie) 起自身的短處來。其實大可不必。當然整體(ti) 來說瑕不掩瑜，這篇文書(shu) 仍足夠精彩。

10Now, whenever I encounter an obstacle that seems overwhelming, I think of Ye-Ye; I see him in his red baseball cap, smiling at me. Like a splash of cool water, his smile rouses me from grief, and reminds me how trivial my worries are and how generous life has been. Today I keep a red baseball cap at the railing post at home where Ye-Ye used to put his every night. Whenever I see the cap, I think of my Ye-Ye, smiling in his red baseball cap, and I smile.Yes, Ye-Ye. Life is a blessing.

*Ye-Ye，red baseball cap，smile，life is a blessing等詞句都是全文的hooks，把一些品質打包，並通過複現，植入讀者腦海。而最後一段它們(men) 又集中、反複地出現，仿佛演員謝場，餘(yu) 音繞梁。

看完整篇文章，雖然通篇都在寫(xie) 爺爺，直到倒數第二段才開始寫(xie) 自己，但並不妨礙我們(men) 看到作者是怎樣的人——能樂(le) 觀麵對生命中的困難與(yu) 挑戰的那麽(me) 一個(ge) 人。作者通過寫(xie) 爺爺，讓讀者相信他自身也具備同樣品質，相信堅毅樂(le) 觀的基因能隨家庭的言傳(chuan) 身教代代相傳(chuan) 。

這篇文書(shu) 跟許多其它作品相比並不算特別精彩動人，但由於(yu) 作者活用了意象複現的手法，使得他最希望傳(chuan) 遞的關(guan) 鍵信息得到了足夠的放大與(yu) 強化。另外，相信作者已經通過其它申請材料講夠了自身的方方麵麵，因此才能在主文書(shu) 中放開手腳去寫(xie) 一個(ge) 並非自己的故事，為(wei) 自己的整套申請材料畫龍點睛，稱得上是“以正合以奇勝”。

--本篇英文原文來自：10 Successful Harvard Application Essays | 2022，Yueming's Essay.