雅思大作文實考7.0範文分析

題目：

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

審題：

“高糖的加工食品和飲料會(hui) 導致許多健康問題。你是否同意通過提高這些商品的售價(jia) 來減少人們(men) 對含糖食物的攝入？”本題可以說是一道非常“結合時事”的健康類話題了。

作為(wei) 雅思寫(xie) 作大作文的熱點話題之一，健康類問題的大致考察方向可以歸為(wei) 兩(liang) 大類：一是問其成因，二是問其措施。本道題就屬於(yu) “問其措施”的類型。大家要特別注意的是，在此類題目中，如果不讚同題目所給出的措施，除了要論證其存在的問題之外，能夠分析其他措施的可行性是斬獲高分的要素之一。

思路：

既然要討論這種措施的合理性，那麽(me) 大家可以嚐試從(cong) 不同的層麵來分析該項措施的優(you) 與(yu) 弊。例如，從(cong) 個(ge) 人到政府，從(cong) 生活到經濟，從(cong) 生理到心理。再具體(ti) 一點：對於(yu) 個(ge) 人而言，提高售價(jia) 可以一定程度上減少人們(men) 對此類不健康食品的攝入；對於(yu) 政府來說，也可以將這筆收入投入到其他可以改善公民健康的項目中去，因此可以選擇agree。

從(cong) 生理上來說，很多食物中都含有糖分且有些是必需品，例如主食；從(cong) 心理上來說，提高物價(jia) 會(hui) 讓市民對政府產(chan) 生抱怨和意見，不利於(yu) 和諧發展，因此disagree。

範文：

Today high levels of sugar are contained in many sources of food, especially in manufactured food. And, of course, eating so much sugar is not good for our health: it can cause just a simple cavy, for example, but also worse problems, like the increasing level of sugar in blood. Some people suggest that sugary products should be more expensive, s0 people would buy less of them.

According to me, I think that this solution is not the best one as sugary products include some types of food that We eat everyday, such as bread or pasta. This foods, particularly the first one, are really important in our diet, so make them more expensive will influence not only our lifestyle, but also some people wouldn't be able anymore to buy the most important food for them. Just think for example to poor people, who can maybe afford a few loads of bread per day: what would they eat if we increased bread price?

I think that the best solution for this problem would be informing people about what they eat, because sometimes we don't even know that. They have already done something to inform people about the characteristics of food, of course, and lebels are one of the most important thing, as they tell you all the ingredients of a particular food. Yet, not many people spend some of their time reading lebels, or, if they do it, they probably don't know the biggest part of the substances named in the list, as well not everybody knows that there is a specific order of the ingredients in the list. So something we could do is organizing some “talks" to inform people not only about the function of lebels, but especially about the big amount of sugar we eat everyday. | think as well that this talks should be organised also in schools, because also children must be aware of what they eat; besides, children can tell what they have learned by these "conferences" at their parents, s0 the whole family would eat better.

To sum it up, I think that it is not necessary to increase the prices of sugary food and that all we need is information, that will lead people to eat less sugary food and, as a consequence, live better with less problems.

(Score: Band 7.0; Words: 386)

考官點評：

This is a good response to the question. It does not agree with the statement and presents a different solution to the problem.

文章對題目做出了很好的回應，表達了自己的觀點（不同意），且提出了一個(ge) 不一樣的解決(jue) 措施。

There are four paragraphs, made up of an introduction, a conclusion and two further paragraphs explaining why the candidate disagrees with the statement and then giving an alternative solution. Ideas are logically organised, with a range of linking devices to make the response easier to read [Yet | as well | I think as well that | as a consequence], but there are some errors [This | these | also].

文章一共有四個(ge) 段落，一個(ge) 開頭段，一個(ge) 結尾段，兩(liang) 個(ge) 主體(ti) 段分別解釋了該考生為(wei) 什麽(me) 不同意題目中的觀點以及另一個(ge) 可行的措施。文章中不同觀點的組織是具有邏輯性的。考生可以使用一係列的連接詞來幫助讀者理解文章，雖然也存在一些小錯誤。

There are 386 words in this response, well over the expected 250 words. In this case, the increased wordcount results in a good range of vocabulary with some flexibility and collocation [informing people about what they eat | aware of what they eat] despite some remaining errors [cavy / cavity | lebels / labels].

本文一共有386個(ge) 詞，超出了考試要求的250個(ge) 詞。在這種情況下，盡管仍有一些小錯誤，考生有了更多的機會(hui) 展示自己在詞匯的靈活性以及搭配上的能力。

The response uses a variety of structures [what would they eat if we increased bread price?] despite some errors [by these “conferences” / at these “conferences" | less problems / fewer problems].

文章中使用了一係列不同的句子結構，雖然也存在一些小錯誤。

點評：

從(cong) 考官點評中，大家不難看出一篇高分作文所需要具備的幾點要素：

01、段落布局的清晰：讀者可以清楚地掌握每一段的主要內(nei) 容，理清整篇文章的脈絡。

02、段內(nei) 信息的串聯：句與(yu) 句之間的邏輯關(guan) 係也很重要，保證論證中不會(hui) 出現邏輯不清，想到什麽(me) 寫(xie) 什麽(me) 的混亂(luan) 狀況。

03、詞匯和句型的靈活性：雅思寫(xie) 作歸根結底還是在考察語言水平，比起用高級詞匯和句型堆砌，靈活性同樣也是語言水平高的一種表現，而且更加容易做到。

04、控製自己的語言錯誤：考官當然理解每篇作文都是由母語為(wei) 非英語的考生在限時情況下臨(lin) 場完成的作文，因此出現小錯誤是非常正常的一件事情。但是大家仍然要注意控製錯誤的頻率和嚴(yan) 重性。