哈佛大學公布2023Fall優秀文書（附文書點評）

想要寫(xie) 出一篇好的文書(shu) ，最快的方法就是從(cong) 真實的優(you) 秀範例中學習(xi) 。

前不久，The Crimson公布了2023Fall錄取者的優(you) 秀文書(shu) ，並附上了每篇文章的點評。從(cong) 這些例子中，我們(men) 能看到哈佛大學的文書(shu) 偏好，以及生動鮮活的寫(xie) 作技巧。

老師從(cong) 中挑選了4篇，一起來看一下吧～

VOL.1Michelle G.'s Essay

 Red, orange, purple, gold...I was caught in a riot of shifting colors. I pranced up and down the hill, my palms extended to the moving collage of butterflies that surrounded me. “Would you like to learn how to catch one?” Grandfather asked, holding out a glass jar. “Yes!” I cheered, his huge calloused fingers closing my chubby five-year-old hands around it carefully.
 
Grandfather put his finger to his lips, and I obliged as I watched him deftly maneuver his net. He caught one marvelous butterfly perched on a flower, and I clutched the open jar in anticipation as he slid the butterfly inside. It quivered and fell to the bottom of the jar, and I gasped. It struggled until its wings, ablaze in a glory of orange and red, quivered to a stop. I watched, wide-eyed, as it stopped moving. “Grandpa! What’s happening?”
 
My grandfather had always had a collection of butterflies, but that was the first time I saw him catch one. After witnessing the first butterfly die, I begged him to keep them alive; I even secretly let some of them go. Therefore, to compromise, he began carrying a special jar for the days I accompanied him on his outings, a jar to keep the living butterflies. But the creatures we caught always weakened and died after a few days in captivity, no matter how tenderly I fed and cared for them. Grandfather took me aside and explained that the lifespan of an adult butterfly was very short. They were not meant to live forever: their purpose was to flame brilliantly and then fade away. Thus, his art serves as a memory of their beauty, an acknowledgement of nature’s ephemeral splendor.
 
But nothing could stay the same. I moved to America and as the weekly excursions to the mountainside ended, so did our lessons in nature and science. Although six thousand miles away, I would never forget how my grandpa’s wrinkles creased when he smiled or how he always smelled like mountain flowers.
 
As I grew older and slowly understood how Grandfather lived his life, I began to follow in his footsteps. He protected nature’s beauty from decay with his art, and in the same way, I tried to protect my relationships, my artwork, and my memories. I surrounded myself with the journals we wrote together, but this time I recorded my own accomplishments, hoping to one day show him what I had done. I recorded everything, from the first time I spent a week away from home to the time I received a gold medal at the top of the podium at the California Tae Kwon Do Competition. I filled my new home in America with the photographs from my childhood and began to create art of my own. Instead of catching butterflies like my grandpa, I began experimenting with butterfly wing art as my way of preserving nature’s beauty. Soon my home in America became a replica of my home in China, filled from wall to wall with pictures and memories.
 
Nine long years passed before I was reunited with him. The robust man who once chased me up the hillside had developed arthritis, and his thick black hair had turned white. The grandfather I saw now was not the one I knew; we had no hobby and no history in common, and he became another adult, distant and unapproachable. With this, I forgot all about the journals and photos that I had kept and wanted to share with him.
 
After weeks of avoidance, I gathered my courage and sat with him once again. This time, I carried a large, leather-bound book with me. “Grandfather,” I began, and held out the first of my many journals. These were my early days in America, chronicled through pictures, art, and neatly-printed English. On the last page was a photograph of me and my grandfather, a net in his hand and a jar in mine. As I saw our faces, shining with proud smiles, I began to remember our days on the mountainside, catching butterflies and halting nature’s eventual decay.
 
My grandfather has weakened over the years, but he is still the wise man who raised me and taught me the value of capturing the beauty of life. Although he has grown old, I have grown up. His legs are weak, but his hands are still as gentle as ever. Therefore, this time, it will be different. This time, I will no longer recollect memories, but create new ones. 

文章點評

本文用詩一般的語言，回憶了早年與(yu) 祖父一起生活的畫麵，讓人感受到生命如歌，短暫卻美好。同時，文章也展現了作者敏銳的觀察力與(yu) 思考。

寫(xie) “一個(ge) 對你有影響”的人這類文章時，我們(men) 常遇到的困難就是如何在「展示那個(ge) 人」以及「保證文章的重點落在你和你的成長」之間找到一個(ge) 平衡。

在這篇文書(shu) 中，作者抓住了祖父的幾個(ge) 特點：世故、理解蝴蝶轉瞬即逝的本性，同時也富有同情心，理解並尊重米歇爾對蝴蝶的嗬護。

與(yu) 此同時，文章始終聚焦於(yu) 展示米歇爾多年來的成熟過程。她從(cong) 她的祖父那裏繼承了對大自然的熱愛，以及對生活的洞察所需的自我意識和內(nei) 省能力。我們(men) 也從(cong) 她將蝴蝶翅膀藝術描述為(wei) “保留大自然之美的一種方式”中看到了她的藝術天賦。

總的來說，盡管這篇文章的重點是米歇爾的祖父以及他對她的影響，我們(men) 仍然可以對米歇爾有很多了解。我們(men) 知道她很有成就(跆拳道金牌) 、有藝術細胞、有愛心。她的深思熟慮和內(nei) 省的天性也在這篇文章中得到了體(ti) 現，這無疑是招生官們(men) 所青睞的品質。

VOL.2、‘When Life Doesn’t Gives You Lemons’

 With the blazing morning sun beaming through the window, I had an inclination to make a stand to sell Lebanese laymounada - a light lemonade flavored with a splash of rosewater. Throughout my childhood, anytime the temperature spiked over seventy degrees, there would be laymounada waiting for me at my Teta’s (grandmother in Lebanese Arabic) house.
 
At that moment, I scoured the cabinets and secured the glass pitcher only to realize we did not have lemons. To my disappointment, I realized my days of being an entrepreneur and generating revenue from my laymounada stand were over before they could even begin. I sat at the kitchen table, wallowing in disappointment. I wanted everyone to be able to taste my Teta’s laymounada. Suddenly, I had an idea that would either prove to be inventive or a total failure. I would sell lemonade without the lemons. Revolutionary, right?
 
I ripped off a rectangular sheet of paper towel and jotted down my business plan. I listed the key elements of the business plan: a drawing of a cup, a rose, and the price- “fifty scents”- to correlate with the rose-themed business. I sat outside of my childhood home located in a cul-de-sac of five houses and sold my neighbors a rose drink- a combination of filtered water, packets of sugar, and a dash of rosewater. Granted, I only made about $10 from a combination of my parents and generous neighbors who did not drink the “lemonade”, but the experience allowed me to realize regardless of the obstacle, if you are passionate, you can persevere. Teta’s laymounada was my introduction to entrepreneurship.
 
The entrepreneurial skills gained from my laymounada stand allowed me to establish A&G Jewelry, co-founded with my sister when I was twelve. This business focused on representing our Lebanese heritage. Using supplies we found around our house and from our local craft store, we created a variety of pieces that featured traditional Middle Eastern coins, beads, and clay baked into the shape of Lebanon. My sister and I collaborated to create marketing tools to promote our new business. Before we knew it, A&G Jewelry had earned a spot at my church’s annual Lebanese festival. After tirelessly marketing and selling our jewelry for three days straight, we had made over $900 in revenue, which we decided to donate to the church.
 
Entrepreneurship took a new form in high school when my sister and I founded our second partnership, The Model Brockton City Council. We saw a need to engage our peers in local government by designing a simulation of our city council. We had to collect signatures, present to many administrators, and market our new club. The initial goal to have more people try my lemonade resonated with me as I strived to have more people engage in their civic duties. Today, over twenty-five of my classmates frequently attend my meetings.
 
With my first business venture selling laymounada, I made $10; with A&G Jewelry, $900; with the Model Brockton City Council, the revenue amounted to $0. Although there was not a financial gain, I attained experience as a negotiator, problem solver, creative thinker, and most importantly, I became persistent.
 
Twelve years have passed since that summer day with my “laymounada,” and I have yet to maintain a long-lasting business. My six-year-old self would have seen this lack of continuity as a colossal failure, but instead, it instilled an intense curiosesity in me. Little did I know the experience would remain so vivid after all these years. It has continued to push me, compelling me to challenge myself both academically and entrepreneurially. As I grow older, my intrinsic drive to have a lemonade stand, regardless of whatever obstacles come my way, persists as a deep-seated love of business.
 
When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade (or laymounada, as my Teta would say). 

文章點評

失敗的文書(shu) 各有各的不好，但許多成功拿到Offer的文書(shu) 都有這樣一個(ge) 共同結構：「鉤子+錨+故事+成長」。

鉤子：“鉤子“的作用是吸引讀者。招生官員每天要讀上百篇文書(shu) ，所以盡量馬上抓住他們(men) 的注意力。比如在開頭寫(xie) 一些有趣的或與(yu) 眾(zhong) 不同的東(dong) 西是一個(ge) 不錯的方法。

這篇文章中用到的“鉤子”就是laymounada，黎巴嫩的laymounada 有什麽(me) 特別之處？它和普通的檸檬水有什麽(me) 不同？Teta是誰？作者用一連串的故事迅速引起了讀者的好奇心。

錨：“錨”是一個(ge) 想法或主題，用來連接、升華整篇文章。一個(ge) 好的“錨”應該是發人深省的、讓人回味無窮的。

本文的“錨”就是“生活沒有給我檸檬”——作者在家裏找不到一個(ge) 檸檬，所以不得不發揮創造力推銷不含檸檬的laymunada。這段經曆讓她學會(hui) 了堅持不懈，並開始了一係列的嚐試。文章在結尾又呼應了這個(ge) “錨”，將全文串聯：“When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade (or laymounada, as my Teta would say).”

故事：講故事的一大黃金法則是“show, don’t tell”，不要試圖直白地告訴招生官你是一個(ge) 多麽(me) 偉(wei) 大的人。相反，試著用故事讓他們(men) 感受到你的個(ge) 性、性格和取得的成就。

具體(ti) 來看這篇文章，作者分享了許多有趣的細節，比如將飲料定價(jia) 為(wei) “fifty scents”來契合玫瑰主題；開玩笑說她賺的10美元大部分來自父母和鄰居，但他們(men) 甚至懶得喝檸檬水。這些細節將作者勾勒成來一個(ge) 有趣的、有創造力的、有進取心的人，同時也展現了她的謙遜。

成長：所有優(you) 秀的申請文書(shu) 都離不開強調自己從(cong) 之前的經曆中學到了什麽(me) 、取得了哪些成長。

例如，本文作者認識到她的商業(ye) 嚐試缺乏連續性並不是一個(ge) “巨大的失敗”，相反，這培養(yang) 了她的好奇心、堅持不懈的精神和對商業(ye) 的熱愛。在文章的最後，很明顯能感到作者是一個(ge) 對商業(ye) 充滿熱情的人，能夠從(cong) 每一次經曆中吸取教訓，並將它們(men) 應用到下一次的努力中。

作者抓住了所有這四個(ge) 關(guan) 鍵要素——鉤子、錨、故事和成長——這就是這篇文章成功的原因。

VOL.3、‘The Color of Everything’

 There’s a theory that even though each color has a specific wavelength that never changes, how people perceive a specific color may have subtle differences based on small differences in photoreceptors, and the color that one person might consider red might still be red in another’s mind but could look different— a little duller, softer, cooler. Furthermore, how a person’s brain processes the color may also be linked to that person’s environment. Some studies have suggested that color sensitivity could be linked to one’s native languages: for example, people who speak languages that have specific names for eleven colors are able to easily distinguish those eleven colors, but people who speak languages with fewer color specific words may have a harder time distinguishing them

So it appears that even at the most elementary level of sight, the world is not an objective thing. Instead, what we know and what we remember can influence what and how we see. The color blue may just be the color blue to a three year old, perhaps her favorite color even, but an adult might connect it to so much more—the lake by his childhood home or the eye color of a loved one.

I first consciously became aware of the power that our experiences have to change perception when I went to turn on a light in my house after learning about photons in class. What had previously been a mundane light suddenly became a fascinating application of atomic structure, and I thought that I could almost perceive the electrons jumping up and down from energy level to energy level to produce the photons that I saw. I then realized that my world had steadily been changing throughout my years in school as I learned more and more. I now see oligopolies in the soda aisles of the supermarkets. I see the charges warring with each other in every strike of lightning, and the patterns of old American politics still swaying things today. Knowledge and making connections with that knowledge is the difference between seeing the seven oceans glittering in the sun and merely seeing the color blue. It’s the difference between just seeing red and seeing the scarlet of roses blooming, the burgundy of blood pumping through veins, and crimson of anger so fierce that you could burst. Knowledge is color; it is depth, and it is seeing a whole new world without having to move an inch.
 
It is knowledge, too, that can bring people together. I love listening to people’s stories and hearing about what they know and love, because if I learn about what they know, I can learn how they see the world; consequently, since behavior is often based upon perception, I can understand why a person behaves the way they do. On a road trip during the summer, my mom kept looking up at the streetlights lining the highways. When I asked why, she told me that whenever she saw lights by a highway she would wonder if her company had made them. She would guess how tall they were, how wide, and what style they were. She told me that ever since she started working for her company, lights no longer were just lights to her. They were a story of people who first had to measure the wind speed to figure out what dimension the lights had to be, and then of engineers, of money passing hands—possibly even under her own supervision as an accountant—and then of transportation, and of the people who had to install them. I might never perceive lights the exact way my mother does or see her “red” but by hearing her describe what she knows, I can understand her world and realize her role in ours.
 
Beauty and color are in the world, but it is seeking the unknown and making new connections that unlocks them from their greyscale cage. 

文章點評

通讀全文，你會(hui) 發現這篇文章結構很好，每一段都進一步說明了作者探索新的“知識與(yu) 生活的聯係”的渴望。

在第1、2段中，她從(cong) “同一種顏色在不同人的感知中大不相同”這個(ge) 科學理論開始，引起讀者的興(xing) 趣，最後引出“我們(men) 所接受的教育、經曆可以改變我們(men) 所看到的世界”這個(ge) 論點。

在第3段，作者舉(ju) 例說明了她的第一個(ge) “A-ha”時刻：開燈這樣一個(ge) 小小的動作，讓她“看到”了課堂上學到的電子和粒子運動。然後由此展開，將日常活動與(yu) 宏觀思想聯係起來，從(cong) 經濟學到自然現象，再到政治。這是一個(ge) 不斷深入和拓展的過程。

第4段起到了升華的作用，進一步啟發我們(men) ：教育、開放的心態能夠在看似不同的世界之間架起橋梁，讓我們(men) 了解和理解他人的故事。最後用她的母親(qin) 看路燈時的所思所想結尾，表明任何人都可以將他們(men) 的知識、經驗與(yu) 所處的環境聯係起來。

總的來說，本文作者得出了一個(ge) 有力的結論：教育、同理心、傾(qing) 聽、理解和溝通，所有這些都驅動著她探索生活。這也讓招生官感受到了申請者是一個(ge) 充滿激情、好奇心強、討人喜歡的學生——這一特質被哈佛大學這樣充滿活力的學術團體(ti) 尤為(wei) 看重。

VOL.4、Michelle G.'s Essay

 It's 8AM. Dew blankets the grass under my bare feet as my small hands grasp the metal of the backyard fence. I lift my heels, summoning enormous power in my tiny lungs as I blare out a daily wake-up call: ""GIRLS!"" Waiting with anticipation for those familiar faces to emerge from their homes, my mind bursts with ideas eager for exploration.

Years later, at the corner of our yards, gates magically appeared; an open invitation connecting the backyards of four mismatched homes. The birth of the ""Four Corners"" inevitably developed into lifelong friendships and became the North Star in the lives of absolute strangers who have become family. As parents bonded at the gates, discussing everything from diapers to first dates, the kids took advantage of overlooked bedtimes and late night movies. Today, I launch into adulthood with the imagination, leadership, and confidence born from adolescent adventures.
 
Behind corner #1 lived the Irish neighbors, where I embarked on a culinary exploration of corned beef and cabbage served during the annual St. Patty's celebrations. My taste buds awakened with the novelty of a peculiar dish that seemed to dismiss the health hazards of sodium chloride, an element that conjures up mental images of chemistry experiments. With U2 playing on the speaker, and parents enjoying a pint of Guinness, adolescents discussed inventions that could lead us to a pot of gold; from apps that would revolutionize the music industry, to building a keg cooler from a rubber trash can (and yes, we actually tried that). Endless playtime and conversations fueled the gene of curiosesity which molded my creative thinking and imagination.
Behind corner #2, vibrant Italians cheered on the creation of zip lines and obstacle courses, which taught me a thing or two about Newton's Laws of Motion. Body aches from brutal stops provided lessons in physics that prompted modifications. This inventive spirit during backyard projects required testing, redesigning, and rebuilding. I wanted to conquer the yard and use every square inch of it. My swimming pool hosted ""Olympic Games"", where the makeshift springboard I built would have made Michael Phelps proud. I dove into projects, disregarding smashed fingers and small fires. Through persistence and sheer will, repeated failures became a source of progress for all to enjoy. These lessons served me well when diving into the Odyssey of the Mind Competitions.

Corners #3 and #4, where Cuban roots run deep, entertained countless activities opening a world of learning and exploration. 1AM backyard stargazing encouraged my curiosesity; the night sky like a blank slate, ready to be lit up with discovery. Through the eye of the telescope, I traced stars that were millions of miles away, yet filled my tent like fairy lights. Questions merged in a combinatorial explosion that only led to more questions. Could a black hole really cause spaghettification? Do the whispered echoes of dead stars give a clue to how old our universe truly is? Years later, at the FPL Energy, Power, and Sustainability Lab, conversations about smart grids, electric vehicles, and a possible colonization of the moon would take me back to that backyard camping, propelling my desire for exploration.

In my little pocket of the world, I embrace the unexpected coincidence that struck 20 years ago, when four families collided at the same exact moment in space and time. My Four Corners family, with their steadfast presence and guidance, cultivated love, maturity, risk-taking, and teamwork. Through my adventures, I became a dreamer, an inventor, an innovator, and a leader. Now, fostering my love for learning, spirit of giving back, and drive for success, I seek new adventures. Just as I walked through the magical gates of my beloved Four Corners, I will now walk through transformational thresholds to continue on a journey that began as a girl, at a fence, with a heart full of hope and a head full of possibilities. 

文章點評

這篇文章非常具有代表性：很多同學都在苦惱自己的生活平平無奇，沒有經曆過戲劇性的巨變或者克服難以置信的困難，文書(shu) 裏不知道該寫(xie) 點啥。但這篇文章恰恰選擇了童年生活中的小事，將它們(men) 展示給招生官。

而且作者的文筆很好，通過感官描寫(xie) 讓讀者也能有身臨(lin) 其境的感覺：我們(men) 可以感覺到潮濕的、尖尖的草坪；聽到作者的聲音，“年幼的我的小小的肺裏吸入巨大的力量”；聞到和嚐到鹹白菜的味道；看到遙遠的星星，“像仙女燈一樣充滿了我的帳篷”。這些描述都讓這篇文章不會(hui) 枯燥無聊，也讓人相信隻有親(qin) 身經曆過這些，才能寫(xie) 出這樣的語句。

所以這篇文書(shu) 也很好地展現了申請文書(shu) 的另一個(ge) 作用：利用你生活中的小事，來更廣泛地展示你自己的特質。

本文作者在後院的冒險揭示了她對STEM的熱愛，與(yu) 申請中的其他部分很好地呼應：烹飪課變成了“化學實驗”，建造滑索變成了“牛頓定律”的課程，對星星進行哲學思考是“在FPL能源、電力和可持續發展實驗室”實習(xi) 的先導…這些都讓招生官感受到了她的學術熱情。