2023年度哈佛大學的優秀申請文書點評（四）

每年，在申請季結束後，機構都會(hui) 搜集一些優(you) 質文書(shu) 進行分享。今年我們(men) 又選取了一些被頂級名校錄取的文書(shu) ，供大家參考學習(xi) 。

我們(men) 可以在這些文書(shu) 中，感受到學生們(men) 對於(yu) 生活的敏感，深刻的洞察力和有意思的古怪想法。

哈佛大學近日公布了2023年度10篇成功申請哈佛大學的文書(shu) 並給出了點評。本次入選文書(shu) 主題多樣，文章風格各異，為(wei) 各大準留學生提供了一個(ge) 很好的參考。

今天我們(men) 來點評其中的第四篇文書(shu) ！希望大家可以通過這篇文書(shu) 的評析，領悟一些文書(shu) 寫(xie) 作的技巧！

命題文書(shu) 鑒賞

文書(shu) 作者

Michelle G.

《我的爺爺》

Red, orange, purple, gold...I was caught in a riot of shifting colors. I pranced up and down the hill, my palms extended to the moving collage of butterflies that surrounded me. “Would you like to learn how to catch one?” Grandfather asked, holding out a glass jar. “Yes!” I cheered, his huge calloused fingers closing my chubby five-year-old hands around it carefully.

紅色、橙色、紫色、金色......我陷入了五光十色的變幻之中。我在山坡上蹦蹦跳跳，手掌伸向圍繞在我周圍的蝴蝶拚貼畫。這時候，祖父突然伸出一個(ge) 玻璃瓶問道：“你想學習(xi) 如何捕捉蝴蝶嗎？”我歡呼著回答說：“好啊！” 接著，他那長滿老繭的大手小心翼翼地將我那五歲胖乎乎的小手合攏。

Grandfather put his finger to his lips, and I obliged as I watched him deftly maneuver his net. He caught one marvelous butterfly perched on a flower, and I clutched the open jar in anticipation as he slid the butterfly inside. It quivered and fell to the bottom of the jar, and I gasped. It struggled until its wings, ablaze in a glory of orange and red, quivered to a stop. I watched, wide-eyed, as it stopped moving. “Grandpa! What’s happening?”

接著，外公把手指放在嘴唇上“噓聲”。我一邊看著他靈巧地操縱著漁網，一邊答應著。隨後，他抓住了一隻棲息在花朵上的奇妙蝴蝶，我緊緊抓住打開的瓶子，期待著他把蝴蝶放進去。看著蝴蝶顫抖著落到瓶底，我開心地驚呼了起來。它一直在掙紮，直到它的翅膀閃耀著橙紅色的光芒，顫抖著停了下來。我睜大眼睛看著它一動不動了。“爺爺！發生什麽(me) 事了？"

My grandfather had always had a collection of butterflies, but that was the first time I saw him catch one. After witnessing the first butterfly die, I begged him to keep them alive; I even secretly let some of them go. Therefore, to compromise, he began carrying a special jar for the days I accompanied him on his outings, a jar to keep the living butterflies. But the creatures we caught always weakened and died after a few days in captivity, no matter how tenderly I fed and cared for them. Grandfather took me aside and explained that the lifespan of an adult butterfly was very short. They were not meant to live forever: their purpose was to flame brilliantly and then fade away. Thus, his art serves as a memory of their beauty, an acknowledgement of nature’s ephemeral splendor.

我爺爺一直有收集蝴蝶標本的習(xi) 慣，但那是我第一次看到他抓蝴蝶。在親(qin) 眼目睹第一隻蝴蝶死去之後，我懇求著爺爺讓它們(men) 活下去，甚至偷偷放走了其中一些。因此，爺爺為(wei) 了妥協，開始在我陪他外出的日子裏帶著一個(ge) 特殊的罐子，一個(ge) 用來保存活蝴蝶的罐子。但是，無論我如何溫柔地喂養(yang) 和照料，我們(men) 捕捉到的蝴蝶總是在圈養(yang) 幾天後變得虛弱然後死亡。祖父把我拉到一邊，解釋說成年蝴蝶的壽命很短。它們(men) 並不是為(wei) 了長生不老地活著，而是為(wei) 了絢爛地綻放，然後消逝。因此，他的藝術是對它們(men) 美麗(li) 的記憶，是對大自然短暫輝煌的認可。

But nothing could stay the same. I moved to America and as the weekly excursions to the mountainside ended, so did our lessons in nature and science. Although six thousand miles away, I would never forget how my grandpa’s wrinkles creased when he smiled or how he always smelled like mountain flowers.

但一切都不可能一成不變。我搬到了美國之後，每周去山邊的旅行結束了，我和爺爺的自然與(yu) 科學課也結束了。雖然相隔六千多公裏，但我永遠不會(hui) 忘記爺爺笑起來皺紋皺起的樣子，也不會(hui) 忘記他身上總是散發著山花的香味。

As I grew older and slowly understood how Grandfather lived his life, I began to follow in his footsteps. He protected nature’s beauty from decay with his art, and in the same way, I tried to protect my relationships, my artwork, and my memories. I surrounded myself with the journals we wrote together, but this time I recorded my own accomplishments, hoping to one day show him what I had done. I recorded everything, from the first time I spent a week away from home to the time I received a gold medal at the top of the podium at the California Tae Kwon Do Competition. I filled my new home in America with the photographs from my childhood and began to create art of my own. Instead of catching butterflies like my grandpa, I began experimenting with butterfly wing art as my way of preserving nature’s beauty. Soon my home in America became a replica of my home in China, filled from wall to wall with pictures and memories.

隨著年齡的增長，我慢慢理解了爺爺的生活方式，便開始追隨他的腳步。他用他的藝術保護著大自然的美，不讓它衰敗，同樣，我也努力保護我的關(guan) 係、我的藝術品和我的記憶。在我和爺爺一起寫(xie) 的日記上，我開始記錄自己的成就，希望有一天能向他展示我所做的事情。我記錄了一切，從(cong) 我第一次離家一周，到我在加利福尼亞(ya) 跆拳道比賽的領獎台上獲得金牌。我用童年的照片填滿了美國的新家，並開始了自己的藝術創作。我不再像爺爺那樣捕捉蝴蝶，而是開始嚐試用蝴蝶翅膀藝術來保護大自然的美麗(li) 。很快，我在美國的家就變成了我在中國老家的翻版，滿牆都是照片和回憶。

Nine long years passed before I was reunited with him. The robust man who once chased me up the hillside had developed arthritis, and his thick black hair had turned white. The grandfather I saw now was not the one I knew; we had no hobby and no history in common, and he became another adult, distant and unapproachable. With this, I forgot all about the journals and photos that I had kept and wanted to share with him.

漫長的九年過去了，我才與(yu) 他重逢。那個(ge) 曾經追著我在山坡上跑的壯漢如今得了關(guan) 節炎，濃密的黑發也變白了。我現在看到的爺爺，已經不是我認識的那個(ge) 爺爺了。我們(men) 沒有共同的愛好，也沒有共同的經曆。他變成了另一個(ge) 成年人，遙遠而難以接近。就這樣，我把自己保存的、想與(yu) 他分享的日記和照片忘得一幹二淨。

After weeks of avoidance, I gathered my courage and sat with him once again. This time, I carried a large, leather-bound book with me. “Grandfather,” I began, and held out the first of my many journals. These were my early days in America, chronicled through pictures, art, and neatly-printed English. On the last page was a photograph of me and my grandfather, a net in his hand and a jar in mine. As I saw our faces, shining with proud smiles, I began to remember our days on the mountainside, catching butterflies and halting nature’s eventual decay.

在回避了幾個(ge) 星期之後，我鼓起勇氣，再次和他坐在一起。這一次，我帶著一本皮麵裝訂的大書(shu) 。“爺爺！”我開始說，並拿出了我眾(zhong) 多日記中的第一本。這是我在美國的早期生活，通過圖片、藝術作品和印刷工整的英文記錄下來。最後一頁是我和祖父的合影：祖父手裏拿著一張網，我手裏拿著一個(ge) 罐子。當我看到我們(men) 臉上洋溢著自豪的笑容時，我開始回憶起我們(men) 在山坡上捕捉蝴蝶、阻止大自然最終衰敗的日子。

My grandfather has weakened over the years, but he is still the wise man who raised me and taught me the value of capturing the beauty of life. Although he has grown old, I have grown up. His legs are weak, but his hands are still as gentle as ever. Therefore, this time, it will be different. This time, I will no longer recollect memories, but create new ones.

這些年來，爺爺的身體(ti) 日漸衰弱，但他仍然是撫養(yang) 我長大並教會(hui) 我捕捉生命之美的價(jia) 值的智者。雖然他老了，但我長大了。他的雙腿雖然乏力，但他的雙手依然溫柔如昔。因此，這一次，將有所不同。這一次，我將不再回憶往事，而是創造新的回憶。

文書(shu) 評析

顧問點評：“他人影響”類的範文分寸感的把握是關(guan) 鍵！

作者通過記述童年與(yu) 爺爺捕捉蝴蝶的經曆，把生命的無常與(yu) 轉瞬即逝的美麗(li) 聯係在一起，把人生的感悟轉化為(wei) 珍惜和記錄生活的動力。整篇文章借關(guan) 於(yu) 爺爺的記憶，串聯起自己在藝術方麵的成就和跆拳道金牌，同時展現出細膩溫暖的個(ge) 性。

這篇文書(shu) 選題應該是“對你影響最大的人”。這類文書(shu) 分寸感很重要：經典反例就是全篇大部分都在講別人的事，和自己的關(guan) 聯比較弱，最後喧賓奪主。

這篇文書(shu) 把兩(liang) 者的平衡掌握的很好：雖然前麵用比較長的篇幅以及生動細致的語言來寫(xie) 和爺爺的相處的一段經曆，但是這段經曆是和後續作者的成長性格有深層的聯係的：對自然的熱愛、對轉瞬即逝的美好的珍惜（這裏作者很巧妙的在記錄美好瞬間的同時也帶過了過去幾年的高光時刻）。

當作者時隔多年和爺爺相見之後，那種陌生感其實是很難直麵，但又非常真實有力量的：讀者自然會(hui) 被這裏的潛在的矛盾和張力吸引住，想要看是如何解決(jue) 的。

我們(men) 都有些難以麵對的時刻，這些時候往往會(hui) 暴露我們(men) 脆弱的一麵，在文書(shu) 中沒必要回避“脆弱”，它在文章中經常有意想不到的力量。